Courtship

Stalking easy prey. This was how he understood the wooing process. First dates are for observation; second, for laying the trap. By the third date, no possibility of escape existed for his victims.

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Stalking easy prey. This was how he understood the wooing process.
He chose the flowers he would present to her on date number three based on the color of her energy. She was always so impressed with his ability to ‘guess’ her preferences, and altogether failed to remember answering this question about herself, or elaborating on that childhood story. Guided by an experienced hand, her conscious discerned only an intensity of interest on his part, which translated as taking her seriously.

He prided himself on setting the scene. Sometimes, he wished her in a dress, and so, he arranged for a more upscale location at a later than usual dinner time. Other times, he desired her in something casually-cool so would get tickets to the theater or a concert. On rare occasions, he was drawn to the more masculine aspects of her person, and liked her in jeans and gym shoes. This prompted something along the lines of a sporting event.

He was truly and overly obsessive during these endeavors. Perhaps they served as his second advanced degree; quite possibly a graduate degree in seduction. He studied her mannerisms, voice inflections and facial expressions so intently, she had no choice but to believe he was genuinely ‘into’ her. Indeed, he was ‘into’ her, and though an inevitable end would come, he honestly hadn’t the foresight to see it.

By date number three, he knew all he believed was necessary to know about her. This was why he made sure to never schedule encounters more closely than one week apart. He found through experience, that after he had absorbed all of what he wanted of her, their time together was limited to merely an additional 11 weeks. An average 14 weeks was not ever the relationship time-frame he set out to achieve. Nonetheless, this is the span he tended towards.

By week 10, she began to notice that his interest appeared to be waning. Week 11 brought her to the realization that she had developed feelings for him. By the end of week 13, induced by his ever decreasing attentions, panic set in and she began to initiate contact more frequently.

Week 14. The end.

He simply could not understand why the women who chose to date him were always able to hide their ‘crazy’ until after he’d invested so much time, attention, energy and money. How were they so deceptive? How, with all the questions and careful observation, could he keep missing it until the end? “Ah well”, he often thought on the occasion of such an end. “There’s plenty more where that came from.”

 

 

 

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Love …with a chaser of trauma

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Romantic relationships afford a most ideal petri dish for abuse.

Love doesn’t always have to come with a chaser of trauma.” I don’t remember where I originally heard or read this quote. And though I can’t claim it as my own, it communicates, so very clearly, a powerful and pivotal theme present throughout my journey.

If I chose to love you, and chose to continue to love you, do I then unwittingly chose suffering?

Intimate relationships afford a most ideal petri dish for abuse. And why? Because we are vulnerable with the ones we love; and vulnerability, in and of itself, invites abuse. On the other side of the love=trauma equation, we tend to get careless when we get comfortable. Our selfish nature asserts itself wholeheartedly, managing to inflict trauma, even without intention. The truth is that most of us will admit to staring in roles of both victim and villain when it comes to love.

So what is my response? Should I proceed with fear-laced caution? Or maybe I lead with a dagger, increasing the chances of delivering the first strike. I could also carry on through these chaotic seas shielded by iron (though I prefer masonry), preventing penetration – pleasurable or otherwise.

I don’t accept that there is one true and proper way to respond. I may try disparate approaches with different people in varying situations. Nevertheless, I do believe in the importance of being awake to the love/trauma dynamic and to the truly contrary nature of each, despite their perceived correlation.

-billie marie

 

 

 

Missing pieces

She wouldn’t have to…  if he didn’t…

Other than…  it was wonderful

Except for…  everything was perfect

Damn baby, why you gotta…

She considered the pink and orange flowers with cautious reserve.

Love should not feel like…

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She considered the orange and pink flowers with cautious reserve.

 

Your duty to all women

Girlfriend: Yep, I came home last night and he had cleaned the ceiling fan blades, light bulbs, light fixtures …the whole thing.

me: Awww! What a sweetheart.

Girlfriend: And he’s not feeling well this week. Yesterday was his day off. I told him to rest. But he said he’d feel bad if he didn’t do anything …sigh

me: Guilt.

me: That’t rare in a man. Milk it for all it’s worth, Young Padawan.

Girlfriend: LMAO!

Girlfriend: I will do this for all women.

me: You must! It is your duty.

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girl talk

Solo road trip

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Tuckasegee River, Cherokee, TN

Sometimes you have to get away from your life to realize what you have – or don’t have. A couple of months ago I decided to take a solo road trip. I had never taken a trip like this alone before. Sure, I’d traveled alone before – taken extended work trips or traveled to a city to visit a friend – but I’d never driven for half a day on my own to a destination where I hadn’t planned on meeting up with anyone else for the entire trip. This would be a first for me.

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The Appalachian Trail near Clingmans Dome, The Great Smoky Mountains

I’d made the decision to do this for a few reasons. First, I felt the need to get out of the craziness of the city after the incredibly violent summer we’ve had here in Chicago. Next, I wanted to take a trip to celebrate completing my first marathon – a goal I’ve had since the age of 25. Also, I knew couldn’t afford to fly anywhere for the remainder of this year so if I wanted to get out of town, I’d have to drive. The fourth reason, which introduced the idea that I may have to go it alone, was that when I considered asking various friends to join me I realized none of them would be able to go on the dates I’d planned to go. And finally, the reason that cemented the fact that I actually needed to go alone on this one, was that I wanted to reconnect with myself physically and mentally, and spiritually reconnect with God.

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Tom Branch Falls, Deep Creek Loop Trail, The Great Smoky Mountains

When I began to think about where I might like to travel, I considered more than a few different locations that I’d never had the opportunity to explore. I checked into drive time, looked up Airbnb rentals, and researched things to do. The finalists ended up being Toronto, Canada, The Smoky Mountains/Asheville, NC and New Haven, CT. All three would have been great choices considering my goals for this trip. Ultimately, I decided on The Smokey Mountains/Asheville, NC. This particular destination offered a manageable, straight-shot drive and the opportunity for beautiful pristine wilderness along with the option for an urban vibe.

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Lickstone Ridge Overlook, Blue Ridge Parkway, TN

I drove about 1800 miles over this four and a half day trip, listening to audiobooks for the vast majority of my time in the car. By the way, I highly recommend The Book of Strange New Things by Michel Faber. The drive from Chicago down to North Carolina is rather boring. More than half of it is flat, uninteresting, Indiana farmland. By the time I reached Kentucky and Tennesee and the landscape began to fill in with hills and trees, it had grown dark. Thank God for audiobooks! The drive back was much better, partially due to the fact that the more interesting landscape came during the first half of the drive, and partially because I left quite a bit earlier in the day and so journeyed with daylight the whole time.

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The Appalachian Trail near Clingmans Dome, The Great Smoky Mountains

While I was in North Carolina and Tennessee I covered many more miles traveling to various hiking trails in The Great Smoky Mountains and venturing further south to Asheville, NC to bum around for an afternoon. I actually hiked about 20 miles over 3 days. The breathtaking beauty of this national park offered the perfect setting to accomplish one of my goals – reconnecting with myself and God. I can’t express enough how wonderful it was to get away from so much of the pressure of my life and simply ‘be’. I stayed in a lovely one bedroom Airbnb rental about halfway between Asheville and the Smoky Mountains. Each morning I was able to cook a hearty breakfast. In the evenings, tired from a full day of hiking, I made a delicious meal, journaled and either read or watched something on my laptop. Isn’t technology is awesome? Even way out in the sticks we can get a strong wifi signal.

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The Appalachian Trail near Clingmans Dome, The Great Smoky Mountains

Reaction from friends and family when I told them of my plans prior to embarking on this trip were largely negative. I can think of only one person who had anything positive or encouraging to say about my plans to drive nine and a half hours to hike alone in the mountains. In fact, a couple of them tried to dissuade me from even going with warnings of freak accidents, attacks and other potential dangers. But something inside me refused to be deterred, and for this, I am tremendously grateful. The time spent wandering through forests and among mountains, beholding the beauty of God’s creation, and contemplating my infinitesimal place in the universe was an experience I hope to hold for all my life.

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Clingmans Dome, The Great Smoky Mountains

As I move through life, I want to learn from every experience. One important insight I’ve taken from this one is that my current day-to-day life is completely out of sync with my natural self and a change is needed. Another is that the unknown can be a wonderfully positive adventure, and fear of the unknown is limiting and a hindrance to freedom. These are terrific lessons to take from this trip and I truly believe that more will continue to reveal themselves over time.

My first solo road trip was a fantastic and self-affirming adventure. I hope to be able to make it an annual event!

 

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French Broad River, Hot Springs, NC